Radoslaw Sikorski is a Handsome, Urbane, Well-Educated Twat – The Ignominious Collapse of British Journalism

Uncle Volodya says, “Your values will not always be the object of public admiration. In fact, the more you live by your beliefs, the more you will endure the censure of the world. “

The British press has a well-earned reputation for being preoccupied with sex, scandal and celebrities to the exclusion of reporting on anything worthwhile. When it reports on a supposed affront to Britain’s sovereignty – such as the passage of the Russian cargo transport carrying helicopters for Assad’s Syria which had been retrofitted in Russia – it struts and whoops and preens itself as if the days of The Raj and Empire were still in full swing, when Britain’s mailed fist made the earth tremble. It is reliably Russophobic, with only the occasional startling article by the likes of Simon Tisdall bobbing like a carrot in the creamy chowder of hatred. When it settles upon a foreign leader it admires, it is as mawkish and grating in its unabashed admiration as if it were a teenaged girl; my dears, he’s positively dench! But every once in awhile, the British press turns out an act of public fellatio so brazen, so sycophantic, so…so…slutty in its self-abasement that it inspires a sort of grudging admiration for such a complete public abandonment of principles.

Such is The Telegraph‘s gushing tongue bath of Polish Foreign Minister Radoslaw Sikorski (thanks for the link, Al).  Plainly, The Telegraph is smitten; Sikorski is Bond, Disraeli and Ryan Reynolds all rolled into a smart-but-sexy package that has Cristina Odone’s ovaries rattling a romantic cantata with the beating of her heart. Perhaps her husband should be alarmed – but not a bit of it; when you are red-hot Russophobe and hunk of British beefcake Edward Lucas, you need fear no innocent flirtation.

Given the Poles’ jovial support to the Maidan protests, where they had a tent set up and were dispensing Polish goodies and friendly advice on the joys of EuroAssociation, it is unsurprising that they would be furious over the Russian incursion into the Crimea, since – as someone pointed out earlier – it will cut down on Ukraine’s coastal frontage and consequently its Exclusive Economic Zone, plus leave the Russian Black Sea Fleet in place. Considering Sikorski’s marital alliance with Washington Post journalist and fellow Russophobe Anne Applebaum,  it is a given he would be personally apoplectic, and promise a powerful reckoning consequent to his upcoming meeting with British  Foreign Minister William Hague, himself yet another steaming Russophobe. Russia will have no friends at that table.

But let’s get back to The Adoration Of Radek. Right away, we learn that his Oxford English is perfect and his tone is decisive – if Vladimir Putin could be immolated on the spot by pure tone alone, so that all that was left was his pointy little cloven-hoof slippers, smoking, Radek would be the man for the job. As if that were not enough, he proceeds to reduce Ms. Ordone to moist trembling with his casual segue into German. It’s only one word, but still; the dazzling cosmopolitanity of it just takes one’s breath away. Not for the clod Putin such heady pursuits, natürlich, the subtle beauty of Beethoven’s  language wasted on his pedestrian doziness.

Except that Vladimir Putin speaks fluent German, and could probably expand quite a bit on “Verboten”. But let’s not let facts get in the way of a good story.

Europe is all about overcoming borders, says Mr. Sikorski; not redrawing them. Quite so, and now Europe wants to overcome the borders of Ukraine so it can lie right up cheek by jowl against Russia. Mr. Sikorski’s loathing for Russia, sadly, is typical of Europe, all of which is dependent on Russian gas but hates itself for this weakness, and longs for the day when it can smash Russia into little statelets that will either be easily gobbled up or can be set to warring with one another. Until the dawning of that happy, happy day, Russia must be repeatedly put in its place until it understands its unfitness to pretenses of civilization.

So Mr. Sikorski and Mr. Hague are going to put together a package of sanctions that will really put the fear of God into Putin. I can’t wait. Poland’s government speaks brightly of Poland weathering any sort of economic storm Russia might unleash against it with a potential loss of 1% of GDP – but probably not even that, easy-peasy, we could take it standing on our heads. If Russia turned off the energy tap, it might hurt a little; but they won’t do that. Poland gets around 8% of its natural gas from Russia, and a bit higher percentage of oil. But if they lost that, so what? Even if Russia might do it, which they won’t.

Europe has been deadly accurate at predicting what Russia will do over the last 5 years or so, you notice. I’m being sarcastic. Besides that, somebody in the Polish government is secretly working for the Porkie Pies News Network (PPN), because Poland actually imports two-thirds of its gas and Russia supplies about 80% of that. Better get out the sunscreen, because the government is blowing a lot of sunshine up the people’s asses. Russia supplied 9 Billion cm of the 16.6 cm of natural gas Poland consumed in 2012: more than half. If Poland’s energy minister has managed to get that down to 8% in 2014, that’s one hell of an accomplishment. Additionally, Poland has been one of the most energetic – to say nothing of optimistic – proponents of shale gas fracking in Europe, which was supposed to bring an ocean of gas which would enable Poland to give Russia the finger. And look how that turned out. Since that report, ENI and Marathon pulled out.

Oooo…there’s a Radek tidbit I didn’t know – Mr. Sikorski “fought the Red Army” in Afghanistan – as a photojournalist. There’s no telling how many among the Russian infantry were evacuated to the rear with flash burns or double exposure thanks to his reckless gallantry.

And then off he goes into a meandering narrative which highlights how misinformed he is if he believes he has his thumb on the pulse of the problem – Russia is frightening people, he says, with bogey tales of Europe’s licentiousness, its penchant for gay marriage and its loose morals. In fact, Russia argued that the EU Association agreement was a bad deal for Ukraine on purely financial terms, and it was and it is. Ukraine will get locked into an IMF pay-to-play loop driven by austerity and reforms that children who are still learning to walk right now will be paying for.

“This crisis was all about Europe” he tells his breathless audience; “The Ukrainian opposition wanted to join Europe, which to them doesn’t necessarily mean full membership, but rather becoming part of a community which is democratic, free of corruption, less monopolistic, less oligarchical.”

That’s very interesting, Mr. Sikorski – where did you say that Europe was located, again? Because I might write to Mr. Harper, ask him if he’s interested in joining it, too. It sounds like a fabulous place, not at all like the Europe the rest of us know in which corruption is rampant and costs 120 Billion Euros a year.

But never mind that; Sikorski cuts quite a figure; handsome, simply dreamy on a motorcycle, dollinks, an updated Lord Flashheart. Poland, although a little piece of Eden, is too small to hold such a tearaway, and Sikorski is rumoured to be Brussels-bound. Let that be a warning to you, Putin, you grotesque little stink-doll. When Sikorski comes to town, some heads are gonna roll, and the first one in the basket will be your little ovoid troll turnip.

Completely absent from this stirring call to arms and passionate entreaty to the po-faced Brits is any specific mention of Crimea’s lunge for self-determination – or, more to the point, what Sikorski’s take on it might be. It’s all just a bunch of amorphous threats against Putin, who is apparently “getting away” with something, and if he does it will be all the fault of perfidious Albion, which seems to have been dozing when the squadron tannoy squawked, “tally ho, chaps – enemy in sight!!!”

Are you curious why Crimea was not mentioned in the hazy summation of Putin’s crimes? Perhaps it has something to do with the unilateral declaration of independence of Kosovo, which was greeted by the west with the sort of indulgent enthusiasm normally reserved for infant violin prodigies. And because the government advisory position on the international legality of its declaration – upon which turned its recognition by Poland, first of the Slavic countries to welcome it, was written by…Radoslaw Sikorski.

Poland, we hear, “viewed the Declaration of Independence [of Kosovo] of 17 February 2008 as an act that has not conflicted with any norm of international law.” International law, saith Mr. Sikorski, does not contain norms that would apply to the question of declaring independence; a state (pay attention, this is important) is commonly defined as a community which consists of a territory and a population subject to an organized political authority; that such a state is characterized by sovereignty…the existence of the state is a question of fact, the effects of recognition by other states are purely declaratory. You’ll want to keep that last phrase in your back pocket for when the west and its cronies uniformly refuse to recognize Crimea as a state. A declaration of independence, it is Poland’s official position, is merely an act that confirms these factual circumstances, and it may be difficult to assess such an act in purely legal terms.

For those who don’t recognize it, that is a defense of unilateral declarations of independence that squirms around the question of whether they violate international law, implying “No” because everybody on the Good Guyz side wanted Kosovo to be independent.

There’s much more – of course, it was written by a politician, and when have you ever known a politician to use ten words when ten thousand will do as well – but Poland relies heavily on the “unique status” of Kosovo, which, while subordinated to the Republic of Serbia and being represented in the Federation’s presidency, enjoyed full status of self-governance appertaining to the Republic, including even their own central banks.

The “strive” of Kosovars, we hear (that’s a little deviation from perfect Oxford English, Mr. Oxford graduate, into the realm of the purely made-up, it should have been “striving” or “struggle”) manifested itself through massive protests that were repressed by central authorities of Yugoslavia. The unilateral declaration of independence by the Crimea is about to manifest itself in a powerful referendum majority which will reflect the will of the people, and it has been repressed in advance by the unelected central government of Ukraine by an order to dissolve the Crimean parliament and preordainment that the results of any referendum instigated by that body will be irrelevant and ignored.

Mr. Sikorski, handsome piece of motorcycle candy though he may be, his fellow western political bobbleheads and the free world they represent are hoist by their own petard.